The Sacredness in Tears
by SageOfAvenia
Summary: Merlin is tired of losing those he loves, but he knows that one day it will all be worth it and the land of Albion will be created. A one-shot of how Merlin keeps hope for the future and copes with the death of his loved ones.


"_There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."_ –**Washington Irving**

The sun rose in the east as Merlin was walking towards his King's chambers. He felt exhausted today and really wanted nothing more than to fall back into bed and sleep for a week. Unfortunately that would not be happening any time in the foreseeable future. He walked into the room setting down Arthur's breakfast quietly and then opening the curtains.

Arthur groaned as sunlight poured from the windows. He waited for Merlin's usual morning greeting and when it failed to come he found himself growing concerned. He opened his eyes to look at his servant and found him gathering his clothes off the floor. Giving him a quick once over he confirmed that there was something bothering his friend. He forced himself to sit up and glare at the back of Merlin's head until he looked.

"Do you need something sire?" Merlin asked listlessly and without turning around.

"As a matter of fact I do." Arthur said forcing Merlin to turn around with his words. For a second he was rendered speechless by the sheer weary sorrow he saw in his friend's face. "What is wrong with you today Merlin, you look like you've lost your best friend."

Arthur didn't know how close to the truth he had gotten Merlin thought wincing. "I'm just tired Arthur, I'm fine." Merlin answered tonelessly.

"You don't fool me Merlin, there is something wrong and I will find out if you're still like this tomorrow." Arthur said getting out of bed and going to change. By the time he was done Merlin was gone and Arthur was still clueless.

Merlin avoided Arthur as much as possible for the rest of the day. His concerns were appreciated, but he just needed space today. When night and Gaius was asleep Merlin snuck out and took his horse from the stables. He rode for the lake of Avalon getting there within a couple hours. He dismounted and headed closer to the shore kneeling by the lake. The dark haired warlock looked up towards the sky starting what had become a yearly tradition.

It was the one day every year that he allowed himself to mourn for all that he has lost, for what could have been, for the pain that he had suffered. The one day that he allowed himself the tears that seemed to be getting harder to force back. For every person he grieved for he would create a ball of light and send it up into the sky allowing it to hover above the lake. In the end there would be six glowing blue orbs gaining one more from last year.

It was the day he let himself grieve for Freya and the life they could have lived together. He could see the house that they could've had by the lake near the mountains. See the kids that they could have raised together. Feel the love that they would have shared with each other.

It was the day that he mourned the loss of a father that he barely knew. Imagined the talks they would have had and the guidance his father could have shown him. He dreamed about his father watching him grow up and telling him that he was proud of the man he had become. He saw his parents finally happy and together saw his mother's loneliness wash away.

It was the day that he remembered Will and their friendship. All the good times they shared together. The day that he missed Will with all his heart because he could truly be himself when they were together. When he reminisced about all the trouble they had gotten in when they were younger.

It was the day that he felt the sorrow of losing Lancelot and all that came with him. When he felt the pain of being forced to add one more light to the already too big number. The soft reassurances that what he was doing was right, the acknowledgement that he was a good person doing the best he could, the quiet acceptance of his magic without judgment. The day that he hoped he was worthy of Lancelot's sacrifice.

It was the day that he shed tears for Morgana. For the graceful, compassionate, kind woman that she used to be and cursed the monster that she had become. He grieved for the friend that he had lost to bitter hatred and loneliness. When he felt the guilt of the part he had played in her decent into darkness.

It was the day he cried for all he had yet to loose, for all the pain left to come. In the distance he could hear the wailing cries of mothers' that lost their children, of brother mourning brothers, children becoming orphans. Of all the death and violence that seemed never to end.

He allowed himself one day every year to let out all his anger and sorrow and at the end of the day he would tell himself why he kept going. For Arthur, Gwen, Gaius, the knights, all of Camelot, his mother, he had so much to live for and so much left to loose. He envisioned the future that he and Arthur would create together of the lives they would save. He saw Albion being born and the lands uniting together under Arthur's rule. He saw Camelot in all her glory flourishing with life and magic. Saw himself being happy when he was free to finally be himself and live. He could see so much happiness in the future and knew that one day all the suffering and sacrifices would be worth it.

Merlin smiled as he stood wiping the tears from his face. He and Arthur held different views when it came to tears. Unlike Arthur, Merlin believed that tears didn't make a person weak, but strong. He believed it made people more human and showed that they were capable of emotions like compassion and love.

He watched as the blue orbs he created rose high into the sky seeming to merge with the stars above. With thoughts of the world that he and Arthur would create Merlin remounted his horse and raced the sinking moon back to Camelot feeling better than he had in a while.


End file.
